The Townlakesman Online

Bewilderment at Town Lake

2008-02-28T18:00:00.000-08:00

Town Lake Pranksters Create Havoc

Today, thousands of residents were duped into thinking Town Lake offered "free cocktails and rent" today.

The confusion began at 9 a.m. when the leasing office opened. Employees were surprised to see a line of residents, Austin citizens and vagabonds outside demanding free booze 'n' snooze.

"We've never offered free rent--or booze," leasing office employee Sandra Hernandez said.

Employees asked those first in line where they got such false information and they pointed to a giant poster in front of the complex. Gate patrol investigated the situation and drew up the poster from resident descriptions.

Gate Patrol later found the culprit to be resident Bobby Hale and billed him for all the free rent and booze given out.

Debate to be held in Maintenance Closet

2008-02-19T22:14:00.000-08:00

Everyone Else Can Watch CNN 20 Feet Away

CNN announced today that the two remaining Town district candidates, Megan Schwartzman and Ronny Goldman will come to our very own Town Lake Apartments this week. They will battle it out in front of three lucky people, all of whom work in the leasing office.

"We wanted to have a debate for the residents because their vote counts," Goldman said. "So naturally, we chose the smallest venue in the complex."

Schwartzman was too emotionally unstable to comment on this issue. Some may label this as a refusal on our part to interview but she was out of control. Her anger should be kept inside the apartment, studying and cooking for her roommates.

Though many residents were too busy watching America's Best Dance Crew to pay attention to the real world, some Townlakesman (and I guess... women)complained to the leasing office.

These complaints were made into written documents, stamped, folded, mailed, signed and shredded.

Valentine's at Town Lake

2008-02-14T19:21:00.000-08:00

If your date takes you to see Step Up 2, they don't really love you.

Chocolate, roses and surprise pregnancies have all happened here at the 1109 today. Whether couples stayed in for a night of Bud Light and forgetting how crappy their relationship is the rest of the year, or drove out to Applebee's for a fancy night on the town, love could be felt all around.

Senior Bryan Fielder expressed his joy for such an opportunity to splurge on a mushy date with his girlfriend instead of watching sports.

"I don't know who invented Valentine's Day but I hate that person," Fielder said.

His girlfriend, Katie Roser, felt pretty much the same.

"OMG, this day is the best day ever!" she squealed, too high for dogs to hear.

The Town Lake leasing office also threw a for sure last chance renewal dinner, with a chocolate fountain. Seriously guys, after this, we're just not going to take your money anymore, unless you come to the St. Patrick's Day, Cinco de Mayo or Fourth of July renewal dinners.

This just in: Junior Megan Schwartzman watched "Catch and Release" at home with her cat.

Town Lake Sk8 Park Finally Open

2008-02-10T18:18:00.000-08:00

Finished park a haven for angsty teens

That's right, residents. Those six months you spent sharing the bus route with Ballpark Pansies and walking the long way around were for nothing. And by nothing I mean sweaty, emo boys hyped up on Mountain Dew and pipe dreams.

"No, that's silly." Town Lake spokeswoman Gina Munford said. "They built a waterway, drainage thingy."

Yea....anyway, the construction team began building last January on Project Town Teen, creating a perfect half-pipe equipped lined with porn and Surge on the inside.

"We put our nose to the grind and grabbed our primo opportunity for this thing," Sk8 Park construction manager Chief Wells. "We had a 50-50 chance of success and a few fakies and bails on the way, but finally the operation took a 360 and we finished strong."

The teens flock to the park every weekend, clogging up Pleasant Valley traffic by constantly being hit by cars and generally being mildly annoying.

Residents, however, don't seem to mind.

"If it keeps them out of our parties, that's just less booze I have to buy with my fake ID this weekend." history sophomore Josh Mayor said.

Lakeshore Bus Changes Name

2008-02-06T13:01:00.000-08:00

Residents suspicious change is only to confuse them

"Same route, new name!" is what a new sign posted on Lake Shore bus stops said today. Town Lake's beloved and only bus route will now be called East Lake Campus Shore (ELCS.)

Town Lake Metro spokesman Gus Driverson spoke in a press conference today about the change.

"There's no reason for it," Driverson said chuckling good-naturedly. "We just don't have a lot to do at the office and we want to confuse the f**k out of people."

Many residents feel confused, not knowing whether to ride the ELSC bus or to wait for a LS bus. On top of this, the bus drivers change the name frequently, often to insulting names or discouragements to board the bus.

"Not only does our bus name change all the time, but our bus drivers are crazier than a homeless man in a sack," sophomore Ben Neals said.

Though the bus situation seems grim, Driverson reminded Town Lake residents that they really don't have any other choice.

"What are you gonna do, ride the real bus? I don't think so."

Town Lake Arsonist Torches Dignity

2008-02-05T21:41:00.000-08:00

Desired Packages Not Recieved

Town Lake leasing office employee Saul Weinstein confessed to Town Lake Gate Patrol for setting fire to the mail station today. He stated that he set the area on fire after checking his mail and receiving none of the packages he desired. There was also some complaint of the "obscene amount of Fiesta coupons" received.

The 22-year-old student did not anticipate the difficulty of setting a mail station on fire and failed miserably at the task. Many high quality aluminums have a melting point of 1000 degrees and even in powder form, the National Fire Protection Association rates it as only a slight fire hazard.

Town Lake Gate Patrol officer Jimmy Johnson said he heard sounds near the mail station and came over to check things out, but only found a Britney Spears lighter and some barbeque coals. Weinstein denied these statements a little too hastily.

Fortunately, Weinstein's pride was the only thing injured in the incident. His punishment for the crime will be volunteering at the leasing office.

Breaking News

2008-02-04T11:26:00.001-08:00

Jake and Melissa split today, fate of stuff yet to be decided

It is a sad scene here at Building 4 today, the once love-filled apartment has become a feeding ground for disappointment, stress and awkwardness. Not even Beyonce's Irreplaceable is deep enough to describe all the emotions flying around.

The cause of breakup has yet to be discovered but sources say it's not looking good for the one bedroom sharing couple.

"I don't ever want to see that slut again," Jake said. "But I still gotta share the apartment with her so it's pretty awkward."

Melissa demanded early today that Jake "live on the street because the skanks will be easier to access there," but Jake was unable to find a deal as great as the low rates, free tanning and full pool and spa area that Town Lake offers. These were not Jake's words.

More updates will follow as the pair decide the fate of their shot glasses and the good lounge chair.

Crackpipe Shizzy Wins it All at Pet Show

2008-02-02T20:13:00.000-08:00

Town Lake Hosts First and Last Annual Event

The street of Town Lake was filled with hubbub and riff-raff as many residents awoke from their sleepy booze comas to attend the much unanticipated annual Pet Show.

"What's all this poop doing everywhere?! Uuughh that's horrible!" exclaimed excited onlooker Roye Smithe.

Each of the 15 contestants entered were required to perform a pet talent, answer pet questions and make pet smiles.

"Foofy," a Pomeranian from Building 3, barked annoyingly for an hour and charmed the audience by peeing in someone's shoes during the Q&A portion.

"Crackpipe Shizzy," a turtle from Building 8, broke into the judge's car in under 20 seconds and wrote all of his answers in graffiti on Building 9. It took over five hours.

"All of these pets are so great, it's hard to choose a winner!" Judge Christi Christine said.

Unfortunately none of the contestants registered their pets or paid the deposit, so all were fined.

Best of TL Contest

2008-02-01T08:01:00.000-08:00

Townlake Holds Best Of Contest for 2008

Townlakers came home from the polls and tuned on to their TV sets, anticipating the results of TL's annual Best Of contest last night. Categories included Best Apartment, Resident with Hottest Roommates, Best Parking Spot and Best Furniture.

#811 stunned every resident, cleaning out their meth lab and pulling ahead for best apartment. They celebrated by setting the meth lab back up.

#226 won Hottest Roommates and two of them came in third that night with some Building 8 "Eighter Haters."

Best parking spot again went to Shirley Grey in #906.

"I had to push her wheelchair all the way up to the leasing office to get her 'special award,'" roommate Shauna White said.

The award was special, but it was not "special." Please give us a break, we are still in court over last year's awards.

Everyone else won Best Furniture, because every one is a winner at Town Lake!

Also all our apartments are furnished, we have free tanning and pool at the leasing office and sign your lease today!!

Welcome to the (UN)official Town Lake blog

2008-01-31T20:37:00.000-08:00

Dear Townlakesmen,
Booyah, we're online! We would have been three months ago, but no one knew how to get on the Internet. We finally hacked in, won a big screen TV, saw our biggest crush and signed up to receive our $5,000 check from FakeCo. We are ballers at this Internet thing! If you guys haven't tried it, you should. Just give SuckersCorp. your credit card number to charge the $100 fee and you're in!

But now it's time to get serious. I downloaded a free wallpaper for the TownLake computer from SpyWareWallPaper.com! It's supposed to look like your computer crashes everytime you turn it on... I know, so awesome right? I think I need to change it soon.

Well watch out Internet and watch out residents, we got all Townlake, all the time streaming to you on the web. Renew Now!! OR ELSE LOVE,

TL Staff